Two Steps

I took two steps

Two steps towards the sun

Two steps towards my future

Two step before I begin to run

Two steps and I'm running

Two steps and I'm free

Two steps away from bondage

Two steps and you fall behind

Two steps and you pass from my mind

Two steps and there's no more horror

Two steps and there's no more pain

Two steps and I write my story

Two steps and I choose my fate

Two steps and I'm finally alone

I took two steps

Only Gotten Worse

Still feeling like King Aurthur. In fact it has only gotten worse, this time I play the part and pushed Gwen and Lancelot together.

Just like the King in times of old I pushed them to get along so well that I shoved them right into one each others arms.

Now I am just waiting for the fall of Camelot. What a crappy thing to have to wait for.

To Whom It May Concern,

I am sorry to inform you, but the word Hello has died. And along with it good manners and common courtesy.

Please let us all have a moment of silence in remembrance of these dead and buried traits that used to be alive and strong and taught to every and all. Now please have a moment of silence and while you are silent please read my list of things that have died.

Respect for others
Calling an adult Mr. or Mrs/Miss until other wise told so
Self respect
Thank you
You are welcome
Holding the door open for someone
Opening the door for a date
Carrying books/bags for a girl
Helping someone to their car with their items
SMILING AT STRANGERS
Saying Hello to people
COVERING UP YOUR BODY IN PUBLIC
Keeping things to yourself when they will hurt others
Shaking hands
Looking someone in the eye when you talk to them
Please
I LOVE YOU ACTUALLY MEANING SOMETHING
White lies
Caring about others Feelings
Supporting others, even when you know they are wrong
Following orders
Writing REAL letters
Chivalry

That's all I can think of at the moment, but I am sure that you have others. If so please just comment and I will add them in.

Thank you for your moment of silence.

Deepest Regards,

Ashlie Mae

Dear American Public,

I know that you are all excited for the holiday season to begin and for people to go out and spend millions on objects they don't need that will likely break or fall into disuse with in a month of the gift giving. But I would like to remind you of this teeny tiny thing, really it is very small thing, it is called Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is more than just the day before Black Friday. It is more than just a day to stuff our faces to the point of puking and have a parade that costs more than most cars. Thanksgiving is one whole day where we get to spend time with family and just be grateful for one another and the things that we have, all of the things that we have.

Every year Thanksgiving is over looked and shoved to the back of our minds while Christmas gets bigger and more over priced. This is a wrong that needs to be righted, I herd Christmas music the day after Halloween this year. That is just silly.

So please remember Thanksgiving, and KEEP THE CHRISTMAS MUSIC AWAY UNTIL AFTER THANKSGIVING, AT LEAST!!

This is getting silly,

Ashlie Mae

To Whom It May Concern,

I like it when people tell me things that I already know. Like that I my hair cut, or that I am wearing a knee brace, or that I am blunt. I just love it, I don't know how I would go through the day if people didn't point out what is right in front of my face. I think that I would get lost had have severe mental break downs if I didn't have these people around to help guide me through my day. All would be lost if we didn't have people in our lives to help guide us through daily lives and help us to do the same things that we do every single day. We need these people to keep us from getting lost on our way to classes that we have everyday and assist us in preforming tasks that we have done on our own thousands of times in the past. So please stop abusing the dumb people, I need them to make fun of.

Thank You for Your Support,

Ashlie Mae

It's Too Bright In Here

It's too bright in here
can't you dim the lights
can't you turn them down just a little
I can't bear what they make me see
can't stand to see the horrors
can't stand to see the fears
I don't want to see the blood
as it stains my hands red
I don't want to see the tears
as they drip from others faces
I can't see my sins
layed out bare before the Lord
It's too bright in here
can't you dim the lights

Tests, Teachers, and Time Wasted

How is it fair that my grade, my feature education, my scholarship, the possibility of me getting the job I want depends entirely on your mood when you grade my paper? How is that a fair and impartial grading system?

I mean NEWS FLASH people my last name is MCCONKIE my paper will never be graded when the teacher is in a good mood, it is impossible. I am right in the middle of the alphabet, right at that point where they have graded almost a hundred essays already but just before the point where they stop for the night. In other words when they are in the worst mood possible. I cannot win in this system it is a total impossibility.

We hear teachers complain about the amount of time they spend grading and correcting our papers and tests almost on a daily basis. Well not to be rude or anything, but um YOU MAKE THE TESTS and ah IT IS YOUR CLASS! You wouldn't have to spend all that time reading and correcting things if you didn't assign them. I know it is a crazy idea but it is true, if you don't assign it then we will not do it. Heck sometimes even if you do assign it we still wont do it.

So please to save us all a lot of wasted time please just stop assigning meaningless essays and papers that you don't want to read. We don't want to write them any more than you want to grade them, and honestly most of what we write in those things are either lies or what you want to hear. We almost never really put our own thoughts out there, why would we? You don't want to hear us debate with the things you told us or make grand leaps in knowledge, you want to hear how smart you are and how much you know. So that's what we tell you, we memorize facts and spit them back at you almost word for word what you told us.

Save the wasted time, don't assign pointless papers.

Dear Self Helpers,

Look people just because that self help book, or twelve step program or whatever, helped you doesn't mean it will help ME! Stop using the crap that they throw at you in those things to anlyze what is wrong with me, I am not some case study, you can't just try out everything you learn on me. I know that I am sad or angry or both I don't need you to tell me that I am or why I feel that way. This is my life, let me live it, let me make my own mistakes. You can't live my life for me, no matter how much you may want to, so please stop trying to. If I want to take Thi-Chi for gym then I will, if I want to study four minutes before the exam then I will. Don't assume that you know what I need or want or see or hear or like or hate or think. I, AND ONLY I, AM ME, YOU ARE NOT ME! So please for my own sainity please stop trying to control me. Thanks!

Much Love,

Ashlie Mae

I'm Addicted

My head is aching 

I don't want to be here

He is so close but I can't reach him

He isn't mine

I don't think he knows how much that hurts

He doesn't even know how hard it is not to take his hand when he walks me to class

He doesn't know how much it hurts when he forgets to hug me

I don't know why I keep him so close

It just hurts me 

I hate having him close and not being able to talk to him

I can't stand not having him around

I don't know what to do about it anymore

I don't know how to tell him whats going on inside of me

I hate his phone

It gets more attention then I do

I am jealous of his phone

Is this really what my life has come to

This isn't healthy 

I need to stop

...

I can't live without him

It's official

I'm addicted

King Arthur

and slowly but surely they watched as everything was taken away from their beloved King. His knights, his trust in the world, his one true love. And thus came about the fall of Camelot and all were unable or unwilling to prevent the fall of the King who united an entire nation.

Ever feel like King Arthur when he finds out about Gewn and Lancelot?

That pretty much discribes my week.

Free Time

In college they have this policy where you get to make your own schedule, so you can plan your classes around work or family or whatever. This is a great thing if you are a full time college student, but I am not and it leaves me with something very very dangerous, free time. 

 

As an early college student I still have high school classes that I am required to take. This results in me planning half of my classes and my high school councilor planning the other half of it. Needless to say my councilor and I do not see eye to eye. She thinks I need time to study, I think I need two art credits in order to graduate. Guess who won that battle, that's right she did and now I nothing to do from 10:20 until 1:10 every other day and I still need two art credits. How does that seem like a good idea? 

 

Would you like to know what I do with my free time? I do this. I post on my blog and Facebook, I send emails and watch videos on You Tube. This is a great use of my free time, I guess, heck what do I know I am only a sixteen year old who is taking five college classes and doing Youth Court and Youth City Council and being an active member of my church's youth program. But please, tell me whats best for me, I just love it when others boss me around. 

 

P.S yes, I am having a less than happy week.

Public Speaking

Yes, I am in my public speaking class right now.
No, I am not paying attention to this speaker.
Yes, I should be working on my criminal justice paper.
No, I am not going to do that right now.
Yes, it was a bad idea to have this class in a computer lab.
No, I don't want you to move the class.
Yes, I do feel this is a waste of time.
No, I don't plan on dropping out.

What They Made Me

    Everybody knows the story behind Wolverine, you know the X-Man. They covered his bones in metal to make him nearly unbreakable. He didn’t like what they had done, but all in all it really didn’t do that much harm to him either. His life continued in much the same way it always had, so long as he never got taken to the hospital. I wish my story had such a happy ending.

    I was never really all that, um, normal. From birth my parents were pretty sure there was something different. I mean they named me Franswa who does that unless they know that you are going to end up a freak, I only wish they hadn’t been so afraid. I wore gloves everywhere, they told everybody that I had very delicate sink. That the slightest thing would give me a rash, they were lying. The truth is that with one touch from me, the smallest contact with my skin would cause your bones to begin to melt. They would liquefy and seep out of your pores. You could try and fight, but the same touch that would end your life would also ensure that you didn’t mind too much. Maybe that you even enjoyed it. I lived with this my whole life, from birth clear up until now, seventeen years later. When I was younger I used to dream of becoming like superman, you know like on “Smallville” that show about Clark Kent growing up as a farm boy. I used to think that I was like him, that one day I would be able to use this strange power of mine for good. I know better now, now I can never be anything more than what they made me. A monster.

    Despite all of that my life didn’t get really strange until about eight months ago, that’s when they began to show up. I am not really sure who they are, but they certainly know who I am and more importantly what I am. They first showed up at school and I really didn’t think much of it. They looked like any other state people here to see where the funds had been used and how much more they could take from the inner city kids. Typical yearly cut backs nothing for me to worry about, I didn’t take any art classes or music ones either, they could cut anything they wanted to and I wouldn’t care. But then they showed up at my house, the same men, I guess they thought I wouldn’t notice. They said they were inspectors for our landlord. That the apartment building had just been sold and new management wanted everything inspected. They never did inspect any of the other apartments.

    I was already suspicious, but everything came to a head when my parents sided with them. I don’t know what they told Mom and Pop, something about them being able to fix me or other such nonsense. But there they were one day when I came home from school, Mom had already packed my bags, and Pops helped them chain me to the car. Neither of them cried or even waved as they took me away. We drove for hours, I’m not really sure where we ended up I slept for most of the ride, but when we got there that’s when the real horror started. They began testing, on me, on my DNA, on my skin, even on my bones. I don’t know what they found out and I don’t think I want to know, the tests hurt enough. I really don’t want to know what it told them.

    After the tests came the injections, these hurt even worse. I don’t know what was in the injections, some sort of concoction they created to make whatever my power was stronger. Pretty soon my appetite dropped, I didn’t want to eat anything and what I did eat I threw back up. Then came the day they tried to spoon feed me, they tied me down and forced the food down. The man who was feeding me made the mistake of touching my face with his bare hand, I felt better instantly. That was the first man I ever killed. Whatever was in those shots had made this curse so strong that all it took was one touch, no more than a minute long, and all the bones in them moved to me. The bones didn’t just liquefy and seep out pores now, now they seeped into me. Now it’s the only thing that can keep me satisfied. 

    They didn’t lock me in that night and when I got out there was no one else in the compound. They had seen the monster they created and they wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I ran all night long that first night and most of the next day as well. I don’t know where I was trying to go, just away from that place, away from the awful place. Now I keep away from towns for fear that I might hurt someone. I sedate my hunger on animals, but they never really fill me up. I try not to hurt anyone, but the pull is getting stronger. Someday my control will falter and more people will die. The death count will rise, that poor worker, dear old Pop, loving Mother, all gone. Soon others will join them.

Mel's Dinner

    Jaspart Benwa was the man that every girl in the office wanted, every girl that is except for me. The man walked around as if he owned the world, as if all women should just lie down at his feet and let him have his way. The sad part is that all the women seem to agree with him, they just let him do whatever he wants and he is NEVER punished! I do not appreciate this; this makes me feel as if I am some sort of freak.

    But I don’t need to worry about any of this, I have a secret weapon. I am dating a man, a nice man, a man who cares about my feelings, a real man who can accept the fact that I am the strong independent type. His name is part4966, ok so I haven’t actually met him and we are dating online, but he really is that amazing. At least I have some sort of a relationship unlike Mr. Benwa, the man never tied to a woman for more than a night. In truth I have almost accepted dinner offers from Mr. Benwa just to see what all the fuss is about, but as always my logic won out over my emotions and I have yet to accept an offer. Mr. Benwa; however, has not taken the hint and continues to ask on a daily basis.

    “Good morning Katilyn. How are you this fine Monday morning?” Speak of the devil and he shall appear.

    Eyes darting, footsteps racing, I answer, “Fine, Mr. Benwa. And how are you?”

    “Good, but I would be better if you would call me Jaspart, Mrs. Nix,” he says blocking my path.

    Glaring holes in his pretty little head, huffing my breaths in and out, and grinding my teeth in anger I respond, “Jaspart it is then. Now would you kindly get out of my way Jaspart?” I shove my way past him and enter my office, leaving Jaspart, stammering and shocked, alone in the hallway.

    Head shaking in confusion, hand waving erratically, I take a deep breath to calm myself. After relaxing I nearly skip to my computer to logon to the dating site. Please let him be on, please let him be on, good he is!

    part4966: Hey! How are you? :)!
    lynix94: Better now. I had a run in with that guy again. :(

    part4966: The one from your office?
    lynix94: Yeah that’s the one. Oh how I wish he would just transfer or something.
part4966: Sorry:(! That’s no good. Well if it makes you feel any better I had to deal with this lady from my office today.
lynix94: The one who can’t take a hint?
part4966: Yeah that’s the one…..he he that is kind of funny :)

lynix94: What is?
part4966: That we both had early morning run ins with the people we like least in our offices.
lynix94: Ha ha yeah that is funny. :)

part4966: So how about we celebrate? Will you meet me for lunch?
lynix94: …….How is this something to celebrate?
part4966: I don’t know……… I just want to meet you. I want to put a face to the person I feel like I know so well.

Heart pounding and head fuzzy, I stop to think it over. I really want to meet this man, but what if he is just saying that for, well you know. Would I be able to handle it if that’s all he wanted? It has been I long time since that has happened to me, and I have to admit I want it too. But can I handle nothing more than that? Coming to a decision I type:

lynix94: Okay, let’s do it. Meet me at Mel’s Dinner on Fifth at 2.
part4966: Perfect I will see you there. I will sit in the blue booth.

With those parting words I log off and finally get to work. I have four hours to fill before I can leave. I won’t get much done during any of it, but will fill the time that’s for sure. 

At 1:30 I leave my office and head to the restroom to check one last time and make sure that I am presentable. I spend so much time studying my look and second guessing myself that I don’t leave the office until 2:15. Praying that he didn’t leave, or worse stand me up, I rush through traffic to Mel’s.

    I walk in and search for the blue booth. There it is where it has always been in the back corner of the diner. There is a man sitting at the booth, a tallish man, a handsome man, or at least the back of his head is. I walk slowly over to him and slid into the seat across from him without looking up.

Then slowly and carefully I look up into the eyes of the man that I have been dreaming of for the past four months.

“Benwa?!”
“Nix?!”

as we die

high on the haunches of this war machine
the enterprising man can succeed
but
the struggle for peace strips me of my faith

even the grass speaks
of the depressing state of things

only the realist holds to the fight
but
the stiffness of the dry ground
 punishes us for our hope

everything fades to fog
each man alone in this place

we brought this trailing sea
 of joy and hope
but
as we die everything
comes undone

One versus One Hundred

Zai Luran common foot solider number 1-7849, this is who I am. The first of my kind, a commoner raised by the noblemen’s tutors and trainers. Abandoned on the door step of Sir Travin’s Home for Aspiring Knights, I was taken in to quell an uprising of the common folk against the king and nobles, it worked. They promised that others would follow, that there would be a new social class made up of men like me, commoners raised like knights. But seventeen years later I am still the only one, Zai Luran in a sea of Sir Charmaine, Sir Henry, and Sir Alexander. Then the day came that it all changed, the day of the test.

The test is a simple thing one man versus one hundred soldiers, not knights just common foot soldiers but there is one hundred of them. The goal is to last longer than the other team through any means necessary, many great men have died during this deadly game of the nobles. For it truly is just a game to them, they watch it happen in plush seats with wine and hot food, the lives lost mean nothing to them; after all they are just common soldiers. Only once has a noble been killed in this game and the commoner who committed the act was accused of murder and put to death. That was the first time that a man was put to death without a fair trial. But the nobles have added a challenge to my game, they got bored with the same old thing every week; I have to outlast without killing any of the one hundred men who will fight against me. Never in the three thousand years of Vastva history has this ever happened before.

From the ground I can’t see the arena that surrounds me, but I know that they all see me. My picture fills the hover screen high above my head; the whole event will be documented by the hover cam floating near my face for later review. The monotony of “Zai Luran vs. the hundred”, being repeated over and over again, was finally broken by the starting bell. I send a prayer to Willhelm, guardian of tactical maneuvers, and then I’m off running for my life.

The first twenty men are easy to capture, tossing rocks from my perches in the trees I lure them right into my most obvious snares. The next forty or so are a little smarter, or perhaps it is just harder now that it is getting dark, but they too stumble into my carefully laid plans. Most of the rest follow in much the same manner with more tossed rocks and rustled bushes, it‘s so easy that I nearly fall asleep and out of the tree, this would have given away my game as nobody had looked up yet. But then I was shot by one of the last three players and I lost my perch anyway, I scrambled up and sprinted down the nearest path. As I ran I heard more gunshots ahead, rounding the corner I saw the other two players shooting at each other, the path took me between them and straight to one of my more carefully concealed traps. The two who had been shooting each other turned to chase me and as I jumped into the nearest tree they collided with my net which hoisted them into the air. Ninety-nine down only one more to go.

The last man took much more time and nearly a quart of my own blood. A trail of blood led to and over one last trap, my most impressive by far I have to say. A pit with microscopic ropes crisscrossing it, the dark and a few leaves make it nearly impossible to see. Leading him down the path towards it I use the trees to swing up over the pit and to the other side, he rounded the corner and saw me standing in the middle of the path apparently out of breath. He walked right into the pit and was wrapped up in the net laying at the bottom, I had won.

The next morning it was announced, one of the men had died, I had failed. They said it was the last man I caught, they said he was strangled by the ropes of the net. But, I know that man lived. I cut him out of the net myself and left the arena with him, he was alive when I went home. They killed that man so that a commoner would not be knighted, so that the balance would stay the same, the thought makes me sick.

Zai Luran common foot soldier number 1-7849, this is who I am, this is who they have made me. But the time is coming that they will lose all their power, when they will become common. They trained me as a knight, they raised me as a knight, they tell me to fight as a foot soldier, but they forget that I think as a tactician. I see what no one else sees, I hear what no one else hears and what I see and hear is social unrest in all of the common folk. So what I do is bide my time, I wait it out, I persuade people to speak out, I speak out myself on occasion. One day all my time and work will pay off and I will get my revenge.

I Worry...

Sometimes I worry that I’ll move to the end of the world, That chickens will attack I worry that duct tape wont stick, That I’ll never be able to unpack Sometimes I worry that I’ll lose a book, That I’ll forget my name. I worry that I’ll fail the 7th grade, Or that I’ll never get to play a game. Sometimes I worry my family will leave me, That my computer will talk back. I worry that fish will grow legs and take over the world. I worry that the sky will fall, I’ll get lost in amaze and won’t get out, And the freaky nerd boy will ask me out on a date. The thing I worry most about is that I’ll run out of things to Worry about

I Don't Understand

I don’t understand Why politicians go bad Why people start wars Why famous people think they have it so hard But most of all Why anyone swears Why people go hungry Why the world sees it one way and we all agree Why most of us turn our heads and pretend not to see What I do understand is Why people care Why the times must change Why all good things must come to an end Why a solider gives his life for his nation

Ambition

All ties to human kind severed Hope for the future lost Nothing left to be treasured One bridge left to be crossed Hope for the future lost Your ambition took you too far One bridge left to be crossed Just because you wanted that new car Your ambition took you too far Lost sight of what really matters Just because you wanted that new car Any love for others shattered Lost sight of what really matters Nothing left to be treasured Any love for others shattered All ties to human kind broken

Anger is

Losing to a cheater Meeting a big liar War with millions of dead Best friend talking about you behind your back Getting yelled at for something you never did

Penny From Your Heart

Love has four legs and a tail It is graceful and poise There to warm and comfort When the blizzard is raging The cat with his yarn A kitten with her first mouse Fire when it snows Cider when it rains And asks but a penny From your heart

Too Young

Petite and sweet at the naïve age of four
When she holds his hand, he grins
She gets a strange feeling and wants to know more
She asks her mom who says “Your too young, tell you when you’re older”

Fourteen years later and now she’s eighteen
He kisses her hand with a laugh and a smile
That feeling, she’s so confused what does it mean
Asks and mama says “Your too young, tell you when your older”

Three years more and it happens again
But now the kiss lingers and the smile so sweet
The time has come she’s much more than ten
But mama shakes her head “Your too young, tell you when you’re older”

Less than a month and he is back
The kiss moved to the cheek and a whisper so sweet
 Feeling now familiar but the knowledge she lacks
“What is it?” she questions “Your too young, maybe next year”

One year later still as innocent as snow
He’s on one knee and holding a ring
Now she much know
She asks and mama simply says “its love”

His Eyes

His eyes Sparkle like stars She giggles and runs away His eyes Smile as he helps her Her daddy says not today His eyes Are kind and loving But she doesn’t see, he’s just a friend His eyes Crackle with anger and envy She takes no notice there are other things to tend His eyes Plead for permission What her daddy is thinking he can only guess His eyes Are scared but full of love Now she sees it gives her the courage to say “Yes”

Pride

 Knees bent waiting
Poised senses on high alert
Womph!
It connects with you teammates foot
Poking prodding punching
You fight for your place
Then suddenly all is
Silent
You jump, he jumps
Crack!
Your elbow connects with his nose
Your head with the ball
He is bleeding the nose broken
But that doesn’t matter now the ball
Went in, we won
Joyful teammates surround you
Fighting free you find him
Bleeding on the field you help him up
Congratulate him on a job well done
But You don’t apologize
He doesn’t want that
You have your pride and he has his